Los Pinos, Spain! (Yes, late.... WHATEVER!!)

E-mail One. Day two - about the night before =]

"hello mister kyleford

i am in spain

huzzah

yesterday we went out to a club under the pretence that it was going to be a foam party. no foam occurred but i got shit drunk and probably embarassed myself. and i broke a glass. and kate and kelly practically got raped by this gangstaaa. it was ace. and this dirty old man tried to grind with me and i was like ewwwww no ta love. yep.

today i was in hangoverness\sleepyness and stuff but then kate made me go and have breakfast and i had assorted random meats. last night for tea i ate goat. it was quite delicious. and bubblegum flavoured ice cream, but not on the same plate. we did the beach and the swimming pool and the jacuzzi. my hair has dried in an interesting fashion.

must dash vodka and coke is on the table.

all inclusive wins.

parrots tonight!

see you next week!

email you again soon

au revoir
auf weidersehn
ciao
adios"

E-mail Two. Day Two - cryptic.

"forward this to mum i can´t find her email address

all is well and good in spain. went clubbing last night. there wasn´t any foam or giraffes.

lots of love, lil xxxxxxxxxx"

E-mail Three. Day Three - more stuff has happened.

"OK so the original lack of foam was terrifying BUT last night we went back again and there WAS foam, and it was foamy and awesome. I drank slightly too much again, but i wasn´t kerplunked, i was only monopolied. yeah try and work that one out.

we rented pedalo things from our new gangster friend off the beach, he´s much nicer in the day time than he was at the club place.

layla did some salsa dancing with a guy in the hotel. and yes real massive parrots, we have pictures.

there is a jack sparrow look-a-like who works on reception. yesterday i called the reception the pub because i´m stupid.

tonight we´re going to a beach party thing. woop"

E-mail Four. Day Four - to my mummy.

"So! On the first day we did flying and bus-ing and we found the hotel easy enough, mainly because we´re awesome. We went and had a ganders at the beach and wandered a bit and then we had tea, which is pretty good all things considered. Then we sat in the bar and this English guy said there´s a club which is gonna have fam party, so went but there was no foam. But it didn´t matter cause we danced aaaaaall night and it was fun. We made friends with a gangster man, who seemed kinda of pervy when we met him in the club but we met him again the next day because he runs the pedalos on the beach which we rented and he gave us some extra time.

I have taken hundreds of photos!

The next day we did sleeping and stuff mainly, and that was fantabulous. We did some beaching as well and I´m only minimally burnt.

We went to the club thing again on Monday because there actually WAS a foam party, which was very enjoyable.

Last night we went for a wander down all the nighttime stalls and this massive gang of boys tried to accost us, but we shooed them away and then made friends with these Irish folks who took a picture of us for us. Which was very kind of them.

The hotel is really nice, we were all expecting grossness but it´s lovely. And they put a lot of vodka in the vodka and coke! We´re having lots of fun and we´re all very sensible, we even have an attack plan to get rid of potential rapists, I´ll show you it when you get back from Italy.

Lots of love, from Lil

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

Norwich, Spain and Blackpool!!

Kate is in Norwich at the moment. It's extremely upsetting because it means that I can't go and see her and she can't come and see me. It is a completely nightmare situation. She is at her daddy's house swanning around like a swan... Yup.

Me, Kate, Rachel, Lizzy, Layla and Kelly are all going on holiday together in the summer, which is most exciting. We're going to a hotel called Los Pinos; yes, Los Pinos. We're going to get holiday hoodies that say Spain 09 on them and we're gonna get holiday pants that say Los Pinos on the butt. It is the only way.

After my birthday in August me, Kate, Phil and James are going to Blackpool for a weekend!!! EEEEE!


So this was a little holiday update for everyone, because I haven't posted for ages and I couldn't be bothered to think of anything witty and interesting.

More soon?

Probably.

Bye.

See ya.

Auf weidersehn.

Some asides to keep you busy...

...Rachel passed her driving test also! (Meanwhile, another of our friends failed his for the third time, oh ow!)

...We (Rachel, Me, Kate, Liz, Layla and Diabetes Girl/Kelly) are currently planning a holiday to Spain for the summer! HURRAY!

...I am currently in the middle of a.... mid-higher-education crisis. I seem to be studying subjects I hate, I have applied for courses I don't really want to do anymore and I have probably missed all deadlines to change it all!! Moments of realisation are all very well and good at the beginning of sixth form but when you only have around 3-4 months left it's probably all a bit too late!!!

USEFUL INSIGHT OF THE DAY

"Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticise them you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes." - Frieda Norris

Today was so extremely interesting...

... it truly was. It is just hiding behind a mask of mediocrity to trick you all. But seriously. It was OK.

Kate had a day of personal studies and, luckily for her, music general studies was cancelled (because Steaders is lazy) and so in her free she made me a frog. It was a touching moment when she presented him to me.

I shall call him Freddo. It was meant to be.

I am ill.

As an interesting aside, my name is actually an anagram of ILL (Lil, you see??) and when you say "poor lil" it sounds similar to "poorly". So, to be perfectly honest, it is no suprise that I'm forever ill really now, is it? Or it could just be that I have a really pants immune system because of glandular fever related gayness.

Who knows.

Kate is probably asleep now in her new sheets.

Another exciting aside, lemsips taste a bit icky, but with 5 spoonfuls of sugar they can be quite alright!

Night folks *cough splutter sniff die*



OH, ps, a FINAL aside, my dearest lover man James AND my buddy 'ole chum Rachel passed their theory tests on Saturday so HUZZAH to them =)

Ermmmm yes...

So clearly kate has been dead for the past month and a bit..... But it's ok cause she's alive again now.

We've been up to a lot recently!! Kate went to Centerparcs with her father and step mother and iddy biddy brother and while there she flashed an old man!... We also trekked out to FatigueGirl's abode for a partay shindig; it was pretty ace... Not that I remember much of it.... Ahem.

Me and her Lordship are going to the cinema tomorrow which should be jolly good fun. Oh the excitement!

In her exams she got five B's which I think is jolly fabulous (especially since I got BDBD). Let us all applaud her!

Also.... we went to the Lake District together!! With Rachel, Layla and Lizzy also. It was great fun and filled with joy and excitement. Gotta love it.

Anyway.... OVER AND OUT!! Lil xx

Periods 7 and 8: Soft Porn Writing Class

Today was a most bizarre of days. We were right on track, after lunch I got to school and went to psychology with FatigueGirl, Rachel and Jamie. That was dull. But I guess semi-informative...

The real fun began last thing, period 7. English Literature. The lesson was proceeding normally, reading our book "The Handmaid's Tale" and looking at the clock every two minutes and THEN we were asked to describe a normal day-to-day task in the style of the book we were reading, present tense, descriptive, imagery, using your senses a lot, all that kind of thing. However, after five minutes of this we all realised it was actually a lesson in writing soft porn, like you would find in Mills and Boon books.... So here are our offerings:

Me and Kate - Doing The Ironing

I sat on the cold, hard wood of my kitchen chair. The heat of the iron radiated from the shining metal plate. I bent down slowly, my fingers reaching out for my husband's crisp, white shirt. I drape it across the crimson ironing board, the fabric falling like snow on a bitter winter morning. I pick up the warm plastic of the iron and slide it gently across the smooth cotton. The ironing is done. Mmmm.

Rachel and Layla - Doing The Washing Up

Turning on the tap I can here the old pipes complaining to the weight of the water. I see the water spiral down the hole in the centre of the white porcelain sink. I forget the plug once again, I shove it in the whole as the warm water swirls around my finger tips. Fingering the slick bottle I squeeze a drop of silk liquid into the quickly filling bowl. White froth gathers on the surface and clings to my hands as if its life depends on it. Siezing the rolling pin feeling cold, stiff wood against my skin. Dipping it into the water...

Kate knows the future...

Kate had a TERRIBLE day yesterday. This was because her lesbian life partner (me) and ship wench (rachel) went to Bath University to check out a shitting snake and some bouncy grass, (oh yeah and the university and the biochemistry course... but that's not as important...). Obviously without us there her day will have been rubbish.

Today, Kate told me the shocking way that our good friend Rachel is going to die. I knew her royal Kateship was talented but I never expected her to be able to SEE INTO THE FUTURE!!!

Rachel is going to be captured and put into a giant vat of yoghurt, any normal person would eat their way out, but Rachel (being a yoghurt eating genius) will try and inhale the yogurt (which for those who don't know her this is how she eats yoghurt...) and sadly will choke and DIE.

Which is a shame as Rach is totally destined to cure cancer and period pains etc

Anywho, toodle-oo xxx

Day One In The Loser Kate House...

TODAY was boring. Kate didn't do very much. She sat next to me in an UNthrilling UCAS application talk and did nothing but feel me up and whisper sweet nothings into my ear the whole time. It was utterly shocking. So then I punished her by stringing her up on the nearest wall and whipping her. The head of our sixth form didn't find this to be appropriate common room etiquette so I let her down and gave a friendly hug. That's what best friends are for!!

After that my knowledge of what she did for the rest of the day is a little hazy, due to the fact that I went home to laze about (obviously studying hard as that is what we're meant to do) in my afternoon of free periods. But this is probably what happened:

12.00 - Kate goes to lunch, she is either on a red day or a green day so she most likely has FOOD for her lunch

12.35 - Kate goes to the history offices to carry out her sordid affair with her history teacher, she says that it is FOOLISH of me to think that she is having an affair with her teacher, but that is boring, so she blatently is... (just in case any teaching authorities etc happen to stumble onto this, it's not true, nobody needs arresting)

12.37 - After a suspiciously quick visit, Kate goes to see her boyfriend who will be sat on the wall near the bus bay. After a quick fondle she PROBABLY will discuss dying our friend's man fuzz (ahem) bright pink with the afore mentioned friend, Alexio. This is a deep-seated fetish of hers planted in her head by the evil genius FatigueGirl (otherwise known as Layla)

1.20 - Kate goes to some form of lesson, where learning is advised but not always fulfilled. It's probably History. Nearly always is

2.40 - Kate leaves the above mentioned lesson and goes to play with our good friend Rachel, who will probably have been in the middle of chatting up some unsuspecting boy who she can't remember the name of OR drooling over a fictional character called Edward (yummm) OR just sitting and wallowing in her insane genious-ness, any of these three options are very plausable... In fact she will probably have been doing all three at once

2.55 - Kate has Art now. This seems to be a useful outlet for letting off creative steam. So there you go

4.00 - Her royal breastiness goes to Smurf, her automobile, and transports her brother, Jackford and her friend, Amberlicious, back to their homesteads (with the guidance of the license-holding pensioner, named Abby, who is stationed there to guide her, as is the law these days)

Obviously she will have carried on doing things after that but I am bored of writing and possible brain explosions may occur if I carry on and that would be unuseful and I am meant to be holding a barbeque related suaree a week on Friday. My guests probably wouldn't appreciate a dead hostess.

Yours faithfully, truthfully and slovenly,
Miss Elizabeth Horatio Goodwin Kate Stalker In Chief