Kate is a genius...

Today was a brilliant and awesome day of greatness and brilliantness. Drum-roll please.... Kate passed her driving test. Today we rename her KATE'S TAXI SERVICE. Oh yes. There you go. And I finished watching Sex and the City it is AWESOME also!!

Today Kate also said very mean things about me... like that I was a boring lame loser (edit: she called me a stupid boring loser, i've now made a group for other stupid boring losers on facebook, check it out) or something, I can't remember completely, but I remember I was very upset and I feel that beating her is the only way to control her abusive and shocking nature. It's all very well passing for test with very few minors blah blah blah but really is there any need to be mean to your besterest friend!!

But I still love her because she is my angel fart and she is great. But I might have to teach her a lesson still anyway...

All the best love God xx

Yesterday I ...

...tried to get Phil (Kate's lover lover man) to put a naked picture of Kate as his display picture on MSN.

He said no.

Periods 7 and 8: Soft Porn Writing Class

Today was a most bizarre of days. We were right on track, after lunch I got to school and went to psychology with FatigueGirl, Rachel and Jamie. That was dull. But I guess semi-informative...

The real fun began last thing, period 7. English Literature. The lesson was proceeding normally, reading our book "The Handmaid's Tale" and looking at the clock every two minutes and THEN we were asked to describe a normal day-to-day task in the style of the book we were reading, present tense, descriptive, imagery, using your senses a lot, all that kind of thing. However, after five minutes of this we all realised it was actually a lesson in writing soft porn, like you would find in Mills and Boon books.... So here are our offerings:

Me and Kate - Doing The Ironing

I sat on the cold, hard wood of my kitchen chair. The heat of the iron radiated from the shining metal plate. I bent down slowly, my fingers reaching out for my husband's crisp, white shirt. I drape it across the crimson ironing board, the fabric falling like snow on a bitter winter morning. I pick up the warm plastic of the iron and slide it gently across the smooth cotton. The ironing is done. Mmmm.

Rachel and Layla - Doing The Washing Up

Turning on the tap I can here the old pipes complaining to the weight of the water. I see the water spiral down the hole in the centre of the white porcelain sink. I forget the plug once again, I shove it in the whole as the warm water swirls around my finger tips. Fingering the slick bottle I squeeze a drop of silk liquid into the quickly filling bowl. White froth gathers on the surface and clings to my hands as if its life depends on it. Siezing the rolling pin feeling cold, stiff wood against my skin. Dipping it into the water...

Kidnapping and other interesting things

It is true, I did, in fact, kidnap Kate this weekend. She was a superb hostess with the mostest at MY party (I was too hyper to be bothered with actually barbecuing food at my BBQ), but her and James and Phil all did an awesome job at feeding everyone. So cheers folks.

Kate then proceeded to live at my house until this morning. Yesterday we watched about 8 episodes of Sex and the City and a film called Trauma and one called HiFidelity. It was genius.

Yawn. Sleep now.

Kate knows the future...

Kate had a TERRIBLE day yesterday. This was because her lesbian life partner (me) and ship wench (rachel) went to Bath University to check out a shitting snake and some bouncy grass, (oh yeah and the university and the biochemistry course... but that's not as important...). Obviously without us there her day will have been rubbish.

Today, Kate told me the shocking way that our good friend Rachel is going to die. I knew her royal Kateship was talented but I never expected her to be able to SEE INTO THE FUTURE!!!

Rachel is going to be captured and put into a giant vat of yoghurt, any normal person would eat their way out, but Rachel (being a yoghurt eating genius) will try and inhale the yogurt (which for those who don't know her this is how she eats yoghurt...) and sadly will choke and DIE.

Which is a shame as Rach is totally destined to cure cancer and period pains etc

Anywho, toodle-oo xxx

Kate Just....

Read the first post on here, she found it very informative

Day One In The Loser Kate House...

TODAY was boring. Kate didn't do very much. She sat next to me in an UNthrilling UCAS application talk and did nothing but feel me up and whisper sweet nothings into my ear the whole time. It was utterly shocking. So then I punished her by stringing her up on the nearest wall and whipping her. The head of our sixth form didn't find this to be appropriate common room etiquette so I let her down and gave a friendly hug. That's what best friends are for!!

After that my knowledge of what she did for the rest of the day is a little hazy, due to the fact that I went home to laze about (obviously studying hard as that is what we're meant to do) in my afternoon of free periods. But this is probably what happened:

12.00 - Kate goes to lunch, she is either on a red day or a green day so she most likely has FOOD for her lunch

12.35 - Kate goes to the history offices to carry out her sordid affair with her history teacher, she says that it is FOOLISH of me to think that she is having an affair with her teacher, but that is boring, so she blatently is... (just in case any teaching authorities etc happen to stumble onto this, it's not true, nobody needs arresting)

12.37 - After a suspiciously quick visit, Kate goes to see her boyfriend who will be sat on the wall near the bus bay. After a quick fondle she PROBABLY will discuss dying our friend's man fuzz (ahem) bright pink with the afore mentioned friend, Alexio. This is a deep-seated fetish of hers planted in her head by the evil genius FatigueGirl (otherwise known as Layla)

1.20 - Kate goes to some form of lesson, where learning is advised but not always fulfilled. It's probably History. Nearly always is

2.40 - Kate leaves the above mentioned lesson and goes to play with our good friend Rachel, who will probably have been in the middle of chatting up some unsuspecting boy who she can't remember the name of OR drooling over a fictional character called Edward (yummm) OR just sitting and wallowing in her insane genious-ness, any of these three options are very plausable... In fact she will probably have been doing all three at once

2.55 - Kate has Art now. This seems to be a useful outlet for letting off creative steam. So there you go

4.00 - Her royal breastiness goes to Smurf, her automobile, and transports her brother, Jackford and her friend, Amberlicious, back to their homesteads (with the guidance of the license-holding pensioner, named Abby, who is stationed there to guide her, as is the law these days)

Obviously she will have carried on doing things after that but I am bored of writing and possible brain explosions may occur if I carry on and that would be unuseful and I am meant to be holding a barbeque related suaree a week on Friday. My guests probably wouldn't appreciate a dead hostess.

Yours faithfully, truthfully and slovenly,
Miss Elizabeth Horatio Goodwin Kate Stalker In Chief